Depression has made me it’s bitch.  So has facebook and Netflix.  And macaroni salad.  Have I ever told you how good my macaroni salad is?  Yeah, probably not.  But it is.  So now you know.

So yeah, depression.  It sucks.  I have a history of it and I have had a reprieve for several years.  But now it’s back with a vengeance and I swear if I break down and cry in front of complete strangers one more time… 

The worst part is that I am on meds for this shit.  It’s a combo anxiety/depression/sleep medication.  It works for the anxiety and sleep for the most part.  Not so much with the depression bullshit.  Thing is I don’t want to tell my doctor.  I don’t want to have my meds increased and I don’t want to add an antidepressant that is going to bury my libido six feet under.  It’s already about four feet under and Mr. Incredible has noticed. 

Of course, his response to all this is “your life isn’t that bad,”  “things will get better,”  “suck it up.”  And the big kicker “what’s wrong?”  Nothing is wrong, yet everything is wrong.  Depression is not rational, it does not make sense, you can’t fix it, and sex is not going to make it better! 

So here’s a list of shit that contirbuted to this downward spiral, in no particular order:

My car is a piece of shit and I really need/want a new one.  I’ve had over $3000 in repairs done since March.  I only owe $5000 on it.  I’ll only get about $3000 on a trade in.  Then my sister and my mom go out and buy new cars.  And I can’t afford to even put gas in mine.

Money.  Always with the money.  But I am struggling really really bad and had to use the grace period on my mortgage and I’ve never had to do that before.  And it worries me and makes me sad like a litle bawl baby bitch.

Mr. Incredible spending more time with his friend than me and then he comes home and eats the food I scrounge up because I can’t afford to go grocery shopping and watches the Sportsmans Channel.  Oh, and texts his friend….that he spent all day with.  And farts.  While I cook, do the dishes, help kids with homework, fold laundry, take out the trash and feed the dogs.  And then he wonders why I don’t want to have sex.  Hmmmm.  Maybe I’m exhausted, pissed off and you’ve paid ZERO attention to me…until it’s an hour past my bedtime and I have to get up for work in the morning.

My brother was going to just up and quit his job.  Nevermind the fact that he has two kids under the age of four and a wife to support.  So his boss gives him a promotion, 3 weeks vacation, a month off  and a $3/hr raise.  Yet I go to work everyday and I can’t feed my family.  And he now makes $10 an hour more than me.  Yet he’s the one living for free in my mom’s trailer and his bills are paid ahead two months and he’s going on vacation to the Outer Banks. 

The kids went back to school.  I am not ready.  I can not handle anymore shit right now.  Helping with homework, crying, forgetting, failing, bus bullshit, lunch money, picture money, fundraiser money, other people’s kids being assholes. 

My sister is pregnant, we think, maybe, it’s looking that way.  My sister rarely speaks to me since she got married to the alcholic/multiple personality/selfish/asshole, usually just if she wants information of some kind.  And now, it’s everyday.  I don’t need her drama and I sure as hell don’t need to listen to her bitch and moan and worry.  Personally, I think she is making (another) huge mistake but I have to be nice or she will tell my mommy and I will get made out to be the asshole.  I probably am but eventually I will get to say “I told you so.”

I guess that’s everything.  Well, the big stuff anyway.  Just assume that everything else pisses me off too.  Because it does.  Just for no reason is all.