The (lack of) power of positive thinking
Thankfully the depression phase has passed as of the last post. It really only lasted a couple days and venting really helped.
I recently had an interview at a University and I didn’t get the job. The interview went great (or at least I thought it did) and I was completely qualified. I am not sure what made them go with another candidate. I had such a good feeling about this one only to be completely let down. There is hope at the end of the tunnel though, there are three more similar positions open, so hopefully I will get to interview for them soon. Eventhough I hate interviews, this last one made me a little more confident. But I will not be getting my hopes anymore until they actually call and offer me the job.
This past weekend was girl’s weekend at camp. It was a good time but some of those ladies are a little too wild for me! That or I need to come out of my shell a little more. I think I have forgotten how to have fun.
Mr. Incredible and I are doing good and he is helping out a lot more around the house and financially. I can’t wait until we can combine our households and cut back on bills. I’ve made a list of my expenses and my income and one definately outweighs the other and it is not to the positive. I’m going to call and cancel my HBO and seriously think about quitting smoking. And try really hard to cook more (if I have groceries) so I can pack my lunch. If I don’t buy lunch, cancel HBO and quit smoking that should free up about $250 a month and then I could afford groceries. This past month I have also been hit really hard with school related expenses, fundraisers, pictures, etc. Hopefully this month will be better and there is an extra pay this month so I am looking forward to getting back on budget.
Well, it’s almost time for House. Time to sit down and stop thinking for a little while.
Who’s Bitch?
Depression has made me it’s bitch. So has facebook and Netflix. And macaroni salad. Have I ever told you how good my macaroni salad is? Yeah, probably not. But it is. So now you know.
So yeah, depression. It sucks. I have a history of it and I have had a reprieve for several years. But now it’s back with a vengeance and I swear if I break down and cry in front of complete strangers one more time…
The worst part is that I am on meds for this shit. It’s a combo anxiety/depression/sleep medication. It works for the anxiety and sleep for the most part. Not so much with the depression bullshit. Thing is I don’t want to tell my doctor. I don’t want to have my meds increased and I don’t want to add an antidepressant that is going to bury my libido six feet under. It’s already about four feet under and Mr. Incredible has noticed.
Of course, his response to all this is “your life isn’t that bad,” “things will get better,” “suck it up.” And the big kicker “what’s wrong?” Nothing is wrong, yet everything is wrong. Depression is not rational, it does not make sense, you can’t fix it, and sex is not going to make it better!
So here’s a list of shit that contirbuted to this downward spiral, in no particular order:
My car is a piece of shit and I really need/want a new one. I’ve had over $3000 in repairs done since March. I only owe $5000 on it. I’ll only get about $3000 on a trade in. Then my sister and my mom go out and buy new cars. And I can’t afford to even put gas in mine.
Money. Always with the money. But I am struggling really really bad and had to use the grace period on my mortgage and I’ve never had to do that before. And it worries me and makes me sad like a litle bawl baby bitch.
Mr. Incredible spending more time with his friend than me and then he comes home and eats the food I scrounge up because I can’t afford to go grocery shopping and watches the Sportsmans Channel. Oh, and texts his friend….that he spent all day with. And farts. While I cook, do the dishes, help kids with homework, fold laundry, take out the trash and feed the dogs. And then he wonders why I don’t want to have sex. Hmmmm. Maybe I’m exhausted, pissed off and you’ve paid ZERO attention to me…until it’s an hour past my bedtime and I have to get up for work in the morning.
My brother was going to just up and quit his job. Nevermind the fact that he has two kids under the age of four and a wife to support. So his boss gives him a promotion, 3 weeks vacation, a month off and a $3/hr raise. Yet I go to work everyday and I can’t feed my family. And he now makes $10 an hour more than me. Yet he’s the one living for free in my mom’s trailer and his bills are paid ahead two months and he’s going on vacation to the Outer Banks.
The kids went back to school. I am not ready. I can not handle anymore shit right now. Helping with homework, crying, forgetting, failing, bus bullshit, lunch money, picture money, fundraiser money, other people’s kids being assholes.
My sister is pregnant, we think, maybe, it’s looking that way. My sister rarely speaks to me since she got married to the alcholic/multiple personality/selfish/asshole, usually just if she wants information of some kind. And now, it’s everyday. I don’t need her drama and I sure as hell don’t need to listen to her bitch and moan and worry. Personally, I think she is making (another) huge mistake but I have to be nice or she will tell my mommy and I will get made out to be the asshole. I probably am but eventually I will get to say “I told you so.”
I guess that’s everything. Well, the big stuff anyway. Just assume that everything else pisses me off too. Because it does. Just for no reason is all.
Miss me?
Oh where have I been? No where. Everthing is so boring and I am so tired. Work has not picked up at all. All I do is Netflix. I’m watching Season 4 of Nip/Tuck, it’s like gory porn. And I just started Season 2 of True Blood, but I have to wait for the disks to come in the mail so it’s slow going.
I’m reading a book series but I’m on the last book and I’m not sure what to read next.
My garden is out of control. The tomato plants are HUGE, bigger than they have ever been, now if they would just get tomatoes on them. I’m already picking zucchini, squash and cucumbers. I’ve got a few peppers out there but my pepper plants never get real big and I don’t know why.
Goth Girl is drawing her little heart for an Art Show she entered in August.
Both girls spent 5 days in Niagara Falls, Canada with Goth Girl’s grandparents. Goth girl came home with 2 pairs of $130 jeans and Sidekck got a $15 t-shirt. Favorites much?
Sidekick leaves for Pony Camp this Saturday and next Saturday I am going on an overnight canoe trip down the Allegheny River and I am so damn excited. It’s the first fun thing I’ve got to do this year.
August 1st my Aunt will be coming down to visit for a week and the last weekend she is here we will be at Deerassic. The summer is finally going to get to be fun and then it will almost be over. I will have to squeeze school shopping into the following two weeks because the week before school starts the girls will be at the Grand Canyon!
Mr. Incredible and I went to look at a couple houses but the location was terrible. Who would expect a house with five acres to have neighbors next door and be less than 10 feet from a major highway. Terrible planning on that one. The other one had 10 acres but the neighbors house was a dump and there was a POS trailer on the land, and the ten acres….all on a slope. It’s not like I’m in a hurry to find something and it doesn’t cost anything to look.
Time to fold laundry. My life is just a ball of excitement, isn’t it?
Dog Fight
Here is a text message exchange Mr. Incredible and I had the other night:
Me: Know anyone who wants a lab puppy? One showed up at my sister’s house.
Mr. Incredible: No and leave it there please.
Me: *ignoring him because every time i say dog he automatically tells me i can’t have it, regardless of whether i want it or not.*
Mr. Incredible: Please don’t tell me you already brought it home.
Me: I didn’t bring it home but I don’t appreciate you assuming that every time I mention a dog that I am going to bring it home. It kinda pisses me off.
Mr. Incredible: What should I think then?
Me: I have brought one fucking stray dog home in the almost 4 years we have been together and he ran away before morning. It’s not like I do it all the time! I am sorry I like dogs better than people! And if I wanted to bring a dog home, to MY home, I don’t know why I need permission!
Mr. Incredible: Whatever, I ain’t fighting with you.
That was Tuesday night, haven’t spoken to him since. And yes, maybe I flew off the handle a bit but he does that EVERY SINGLE TIME the word “dog” is uttered from my lips. I wouldn’t want a lab and he knows that so why would he automatically assume that I offered it a place to live?
Ugh! And for the record, the ONE stray dog I brought home, HE helped put the dog in the bed of HIS truck and HE drove it to my house and HE fixed up the shed so the dog couldn’t get out but the dog did anyway.
Zombieland
I have absolutely nothing going on right now. The last three days at work have been a total waste of my time.
I finished watching every episode of Prison Break, which may have been the best show ever(!) and now I’m starting to watch LOST, which I had never seen an episode of but I am now almost done with season one. This is how I occupy my time at work, besides the three pieces of mail per day that I get to open and file. I don’t know why we are so slow but it makes me feel like a zombie by the end of the day.
Tomorrow is the girls last day of school and I am really looking forward to it since it means I don’t have to help with Sidekick’s math homework for a couple months or be disappointed in Goth Girl’s grades.
That is about all I’ve got. I am so bored with life right now.
What I’ve done and what I want to be
Wow. So much has been going on. Let me sum it up for you.
Last weekend was crazy busy but I got my garden planted, we visited lots of friends and family and the cookout at my house went well. Almost. Mr. Incredible’s dad didn’t come and his mom and brother were an hour late and by the time they had arrived everyone else had finished eating. But the Mom’s got to meet and that was the whole point.
Tonight is Sidekick’s birthday party/sleepover thing. There will be 5 – 9/10 year old girls in my house tonight. Once they get there we will eat pizza (well, they will, I’m back on the Atkins diet,) then we will set up the beds in the living room and then we will be heading out to go bowling. Once we get back home they are all set up for Netflix movies and popcorn. Tomorrow morning I will make them breakfast and at noon the family will be coming over for cake and ice cream. Then all the girls will be picked up around 1:30 pm. Then I will be cleaning up mattresses and pillows before Sidekick goes to her dads and then Mr. Incredible and I will be going out to dinner in the evening and I will probably be drinking heavily!
After this weekend there are NO plans! Well, there are, but mostly for the girls. Sidekick has a weekend of Cheer Camp and then both girls have Dance Camp and they will be going to Niagara falls in early July for 5 days with Goth Girl’s grandparents and then a week or two after that Sidekick will be going to Pony Camp and sometime this summer we have to get the girls down to the Burgh to go to Kennywood Amusement Park. But I, personally, have no plans until the first weekend in August when we go to Deerassic. I’m sure little things will come up but I will be so happy to not HAVE to do anything for a while…until I get bored.
I applied for a job at a state university near the area that Mr. Incredible and I intend on buying a house. What a P.I.T.A, I had to fill out an online application and submit a resume and cover letter. It sucked and took me two days to get it done but it is submitted and I really hope I get an interview. I want to work at a college/university so bad. Unless until I am independently wealthy and can afford to open my own dog kennel/boarding place. I think that is what I want to do when I grow up! About time I figured that out! Mr. Incredible knows of my dream too and he seems ok with it so hopefully he will help make it a reality!
What next?
Lulu asked how I could not have anything more to say about the engagement stuff and truth is just that I’ve been busy.
I’ve been back to Domestic Relation’s with Goth Girl’s father. All over $50 a month, in his favor, not mine. He thought it would be more but he was wrong and quite frankly I’d pay him $50 a month to not have to go back to that horrible place and to not have to have a panic attack every time I do go. This time was special though, I got patted down and wanded by a guard that also went through my purse. That’s something new and totally unexpected.
I’m also looking at another $100 in car repairs. My car has been squealing like a stuck pig and my only guess is that it is the serpentine belt. If it is anything else I will have a complete breakdown. I still haven’t paid Mr. Incredible back the $663 I owe him for paying off the last car repair bill.
My children had dance rehearsal followed by a dance recital the next day, which was also Mr. Incredible’s birthday. His birthday was unfortunately uneventful. It was a rainy, miserable day and the gifts I got him were lame but it was the best I could do at the time. We met my family at the bar for wings and he and I stayed until midnight. Six hours of drinking is not a lot of fun the next morning. That hungover day was my mom’s 50th birthday in which I offered myself up as slave labor for the day. We wanted to do something special for her but we are all broke so I suggested that we all show up at her house and do yard work for her for the day. I’m sunburned and sore still today and I don’t think we made much of a dent in the stuff that needs done. My sister’s husband didn’t even show up and my brother’s wife sat around and did nothing the whole time. But that is how it goes with those two.
So with all that going on there just isn’t much going on with the engagement. I am going to go look at a wedding band tonight after work. I told the jewelers I was in no hurry for one but this is the second time they have called me in to look at bands. So I will go look.
That free, all-inclusive trip to Mexico we were offered turned out to not be free, the trip turned out to only be discounted and although it is a very good deal, we just don’t have the cash for it right now. So no Mexico and no wedding this year. If it had been truly free it would have been too good to pass up.
Mr. Incredible was telling everyone that he would rather buy a house first anyway. So it may be a couple years before we actually get married. I think 2 years would be good. Give us a year to find a house which Mr. Incredible said he would live in until we are ready. Then after another year we could get married and then Goth Girl would only have one year of high school left and she could stay with my mom during the school year. Sidekick will be going into 7th grade in two years and she asked to finish elementary school at her current school before we move so it could all work out. Not the ideal situation but one that would work best for all of us. We would all have to compromise, which is only fair. But you know how things go with me and this plan could all go up in smoke with the next disaster.
August-The month to fornicate
I spoke with Mr. Incredible about the ring on Friday. He agreed that we should return the flawed setting and pick out a new one. So we met at the jewelers when I got out of work Friday and can you believe I didn’t find one ring that I loved! They sent me home with a website to check out and I still couldn’t find anything that I just had to have!
After days of making myself physically ill over the whole thing, I finally made a decision. I decided I couldn’t make a decision! So we are going to have the two bands soldered together and will order a separate wedding band later. I figured that would make the Mr. happy and it would solve the design problems I had with the ring. Even though he wanted me to pick something I would like, I knew he was upset that I didn’t like what he picked out. So I compromised but he still doesn’t think I will be happy and that in turn will make him unhappy. There doesn’t seem to be a good solution at this point except time to get over the whole debacle and move on.
Now to change subjects…I hate this time of year! I bitch about this every year and I am never prepared for the amount of crap that will be going on for the next three weekends. Here’s a rundown…
May 21-Dance rehearsal
May 22-Dance Recital, Mr. Incredible’s Birthday
May 23-Mom’s Birthday
May 28-My Brother’s Birthday and we are staying overnight at our friends camp in Ohio.
May 29-Going to Mr. Incredible’s Aunt’s camp
May 30-Plant my garden, maybe go back to friend’s camp in Ohio
May 31-Cookout at my house to get our families together
June 4-Sidekick’s Sleepover and Bowling
June 5-Cake and Ice Cream for Sidekick’s Birthday
Whew! I’m stressing out already and trying to figure out how much money I need to hit the lottery for. Someone hold me.
Flawed Destination Wedding Dresses
It turns out that the flaw in the metal of my ring is a freaking hole, I can see diamond shining through it. I was going to tell Mr. Incredible about it last night but I got the mother of all migraines and not even two doses of my prescription migraine meds could tame the beast enough for me to have a conversation. Even if I loved the ring I would want to take it back because there should not be a freaking hole in something that cost several thousand dollars! Truth is that I like the ring but I would like it better if the two bands were one ring and then there was a separate wedding band because the engagement ring alone looks dumb and once the two rings are welded together it will look like it is one ring and that there is no wedding band. So it will just look like I am perpetually engaged and not actually married…when that day comes.
Speaking of that day, it may come sooner than I want. Our friends have offered us an all-inclusive trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. At THIS RESORT. The resort does complimentary weddings! Only down side is that the trip HAS to be taken this year and that really seems like rushing it especially because we would want to have a reception for family once we get back and that will cost $$ we don’t really have to blow.
And is it wrong that I’m already browsing for wedding dresses? I’m not looking for anything expensive, I’m not willing to spend much but would still like to look pretty. This ONE caught my eye.
I’m a terrible person but I’m engaged – Updated
I know you guys want details but my mother always said that if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. And if I tell you guys how I am feeling right now I will just sound like an ungrateful bitch. I need time to get over myself, to accept that things don’t always turn out like I plan, and to learn to deal with what I am given. I had a long time to envision how I wanted the proposal to go down and how I wanted the ring to be. And I was sadly disappointed. And it’s my own fault, that and my propensity for depression.
So here are some shitty pictures of the ring for those of you that haven’t seen them yet.
Here’s a better picture from the designers website.
Ok, so I took a Valium and I might be calm enough now to relive yesterday’s events. But probably not. The whole thing is that I knew this was coming for a long time. I had lots of time to dream about how I wanted the proposal to be and what I wanted the ring to look like. If I had known nothing, I would probably be ecstatic. But I did know, and I obsessed over it and I didn’t get what I wanted. Not even close.
The proposal was really lame and uneventful. He didn’t do it somewhere nice, he did it on the couch, at my house with dirty dishes in the sink, a basket of laundry that needed folded and junk all over the dining room table. He didn’t get down on one knee. He didn’t even ask, he wrote it in a card, the card was nice, I can give him credit for that. He didn’t even put the ring on my finger. So to say I was disappointed was an understatement. It also felt like I was getting a guilt trip. He told me that right after he bought the ring he got laid off. He said that he had to go back and exchange the first one he picked out because he found out I didn’t like gold. And then when he found out I like vintage jewelry he thought that I would “fucking hate it.” Kinda hard to say you don’t like it after all that. And actually he never even asked me if I DO like it.
And speaking of the ring…I don’t love it. Here’s where I sound like a bitch. I think the ring looks stupid without the wedding band. I hate that it came with a wedding band, I wanted us to have matching bands. The bands will have to be soldered together because they slide apart and it drives me insane. The metal has a flaw in it, it’s small but I know that it is there and it’s making my OCD flare up. And quite frankly I wouldn’t have picked it out for myself. It’s not me. At all.
So today I am depressed and I’ve cried most of the day. And I don’t know what to do about it. Do I suck it up and try to like it? Do I point out the flaw and hope he suggests taking it back (which I am so going to do?) Or do I just tell him I don’t like it and hope it doesn’t break his heart? Fuckity fuck fuck.
Oh and then he left me to go to the bar to watch the Penguins game. He did ask and I said I wouldn’t be mad. But he didn’t ask if I would be sad or disappointed.
